Category: Uncategorized

Is dating a co-worker a good idea?

We’ve all heard the old saying, “Never mix business with pleasure,” and in many cases, employers frown upon fraternization between employees. But despite the warnings and the potential harsh reaction by the boss, a recent Forbes survey shows that over 60% of adults have had at least one office romance.

Why does this happen?

As adults many of us spend more time at work than we do in our homes and spend even less time on leisure activities outside of our homes. 61% of survey respondents cited this as the reason that they date people that they work with.

The greatest number of respondents, 65%, said that they were comfortable with the people they worked with and that was why they dated them. There’s a certain comfort that comes from sharing and understanding each other’s work experiences and people tend to discuss their personal lives more freely when they are in a familiar environment with their peers.

It affects both your home life and career

Dating a co-worker may make it more difficult to plan vacations. The boss may not have the bandwidth to approve two vacation requests for the same time.

 52% of respondents indicated that their co-workers treated them differently. Many respondents said that they didn’t like seeing public displays of affection between their colleagues. 52% said that their relationships increased jealousy and feelings of favoritism from co-workers, and 50% said that it increased workplace gossip.

What about parental leave? Would your employer face a significant burden by having two parents on leave for an extended period? Would your co-workers suffer?

None of the respondents said that dating a co-worker made work more fun or exciting.

It affects you emotionally

More than half of the respondents said that it impacted their sense of professionalism. In addition, more than half said that it impacted their sense of self and individualism within the relationship.

More than a third of respondents said that they formulated a breakup plan early in the relationship. This sounds like the intelligent thing to do but it’s difficult to build a relationship when you and you’re partner have already figured out an exit strategy. That’s why the fear of breaking up increases by 17%.

Does it work?
According to Forbes, 43% of respondents married someone that they met at work. Sadly, 40% of respondents reported cheating on a current partner with someone they met at work.

For these relationships to work both parties need to know what they’re getting into and what the other wants from the relationship. That takes clear and open dialogue before lighting the candles and sipping the wine. In many cases, companies have written fraternization policies and it’s important to know what they are before jumping in. Almost all companies require the couple to report their relationship to human resources. Many companies forbid fraternization between supervisors and their staff and some may require one of the parties to transfer to another department or facility. If a couple works at the same level on the corporate ladder the relationship may impact their opportunities for advancement.

At the end of the day, we can’t help who we’re attracted to. That’s why an overwhelming number of Forbes respondents admitted to flirting with their co-workers.  Knowing company policy and being in agreement about the type of relationship that you desire are the keys to a happy office romance.

**This post was originally published on Medium.com

Dating Trends for 2024

Ever since relationships and dating went high-tech you’ve almost had to consult Urban Dictionary and learn a secret handshake to know what the trendy new dating terms mean. To those of us who favor a more traditional way of finding love and relationships, this all seems a bit superficial, kitschy, and quite frankly, stupid but knowing the trends and terminology can be our weapon against misunderstandings and regrettable matches.

                The dating site Plenty of Fish comes up with an annual list of dating trends that they expect to see in the coming year along with terms that create to describe these trends. As off the wall as some of it seems there are people out there who practically live and die by this terminology. Terms like Netflix and Chill were coined in much the same way and are now as engrained in our language as old-fashioned figures of speech and colloquialisms like “The pot calling the kettle black” or “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”

                First, the trends

                Smashing the Date-riarchy

                In the simplest terms, this means dating for your own personal needs rather than to conform with the socially acceptable relationship model. This dating style throws away the idea that one must marry and have children before their “window” closes. While it’s silly to call this a trend since people have always gone against the social grain in relationships, we live in a TikTok world where everything is a trend.

                Contra-dating

                Contra-dating is simply dating outside of your usual type. For some, this is considered a way to broaden prospects and experiences. For others, it’s a way of breaking free from the vicious cycle of dating the same bad partner in a different body over and over again.

                Investi-dating

                This is when you or your friends launch a full-on investigation into a potential date’s life and background prior to initiating a first date. It’s taking social media stalking to new, NSA-worthy levels.

                And now, the terms (And yes, they are all idiotic)

                Rizz-colored glasses

                This is when you are blinded by someone’s overwhelming charisma and then find out later that they suck.

                VBD (Vision Board Dating)

                This is when you set your dating location to places that you’d like to visit or relocate to instead of where you actually live.

                PMI (Premature Intimacy)

                This is when you share too many intimate personal details too soon.

                Thera-posting

                This is when you use too much therapy speak or mental health buzz verbiage to sound more evolved than you really are.

                Cannon-balling

                This is cultivating your own identity outside a relationship and putting your needs first.

                Crypt-ick

                This is when someone suddenly becomes icky because they are too engrossed in a singular topic. Especially when that topic is crypto-currency.

                So, these are the new buzz-worthy trends and tropes for dating in 2024. I’m not sure if I feel more or less intelligent for knowing them. If you’ll be single and looking in 2024, good luck! It’s a word salad jungle out there.

The Impact of Social Media on Relationships

                When used minimally social media can have a few positive impacts on romantic relationships. A 2021 study found that 59% of participants who defined themselves as infrequent users felt that social media made them feel more connected to their partner. This connection was derived through post tagging, shared photos, and celebrating relationship milestones publically. These users said that they were on social media applications three to five times per week and for less than one hour per day.

                The fact is, the more time a person spends on social media the more negatively it impacts their relationships with their partners. Additional studies have found that different applications affect relationships in different ways or by varying amounts.

                Facebook

                There were two areas of concern for study participants when it came to Facebook. The first and most prevalent concern involved constant access to the lives of other, happier couples. Over time, the female participants said that they would wonder, “Why can’t we do that?” or “Why doesn’t my partner treat me that way?” Common sense tells us that people want to present their lives as fairytales in public and keep the dirty laundry at home but yet, but seeing other couples that appear happier and more loving does have an impact.

                The second most concerning part of Facebook was Instant Messenger. Participants stated that it was too easy for strangers to message their partners and that they all knew of someone whose innocent messages evolved into an online or in-person affair.

                Instagram

                Instagram is notorious for serving up an unlimited feast of partially clad girls shaking their parts for likes and product endorsements. Instagram is also the number one place for women to post links to sites like Onlyfans to garner a paid following.

                The women who were studied were almost unanimously opposed to their male partners using Instagram but men in the study also had concerns. For the men, it was more about how Instagram made their partners feel about their own bodies that concerned them. These men expressed a desire to be with sexually confident women and said that Instagram harmed their partner’s confidence and self-esteem.

                TikTok

                Participants of both sexes had one primary complaint when it came to TikTok. They stated that their partners would get caught up in the excitement of the quick, short video platform and scroll for long periods. They indicated that the application made their partners less attentive and depleted the quality of their time together.

                Snapchat

                Seriously, just delete it. The appeal of Snapchat has always been that messages and posts aren’t permanent. That’s why it’s so often referred to as SnapCheat. A whopping 86% of study participants said that wouldn’t even date a person who used Snapchat as a form of communication and, frankly, they’re not wrong.

                Twitter

                Twitter was considered the most benign of the social media applications reviewed in the study but another, smaller study in 2021 showed that conflicts related to Twitter use were just as prevalent as with other social platforms as compared to a 2013 study done on Facebook.

                In this study, the main relationship concern around Twitter was aggressive tweeting and arguing in the comments. Participants said that this negative behavior too frequently bled into real life and left their partners moody and difficult to be around.

Why spying on your partner is a bad idea

With the New Year quickly approaching we can all take stock of our past behavior and resolve ourselves to make healthy changes. If you are someone who regularly checks your partners phone, location, or social media activity, this is one behavior you might consider changing,

Based on multiple surveys conducted from 2019 through 2022 between thirty-seven and sixty-eight percent of people admit to spying on their partner. These surveys indicated that people under age thirty-five and female partners are more likely to engage in the activity than older people and men and most say that their partner has no knowledge of these invasions of privacy.

Why do we spy

The most obvious reason people spy is to determine if their partner is cheating or likely to cheat. We may also spy to see if they are engaging in activities or behaviors that they’ve committed to stop like drinking, doing drugs, gambling, visiting strip clubs or watching pornography but no matter what we’re looking for, we’re really just searching for assurances that they’re being honest and committed to us. For one reason or another, we do not completely trust our partners and spying is a way to gain validation without confrontation.

Why we shouldn’t spy

One of the key foundations of a healthy relationship is trust. If your partner gives you reason not to trust them, that’s a red flag that should not be ignored. The healthy way to address this is through having an open dialogue and if the situation persists, leave. If your partner isn’t giving you reasons to doubt them but you still have trouble trusting them, you may be bringing unresolved issues from your past into your new relationship. This isn’t fair to your partner. You should be open and honest about any doubts or concerns that you have with regard to honesty and infidelity so that you and your partner can work on these issues together.

You may start out by just scanning his inbox one time and tell yourself that you’ll never do it again but the fact is spying on your partner can become addicting. That’s because the validation that is received from verifying his fidelity is short lived. We keep checking because we want a continued sense of security.

Spying causing undo stress and anxiety. Once you go down the rabbit hole, there’s no going back. Let’s say you’re checking out their social media and find an attractive new friend. You want to know who they are, how they know each other and if they’re communicating publicly or privately. The next thing you know, you’re spying on a stranger’s social media, checking emails, texts, direct messages, likes and comments on photos and posts and any other ways the two might be in contact. You grow more anxious with each step in this process and just imagine the stress you would feel if you lost access to your partners device before you completed your search.

Trust goes both ways. Spying on your partner is a violation of their privacy. I’ve been in long term relationships with men who refused to go into my purse even when they had permission because that was my private space and they didn’t want to violate it. Imagine how one of those men would feel if they found out that I was checking their phone and cyber stalking their Facebook? How would they ever trust me again?

What will you do with the information once you have it? Ask yourself what you’ll do if you find out that your partner is being dishonest or unfaithful. Will you confront them? Will you leave them? What will you do if they tell you that you’re misinterpreting their activity or reading too much into those likes on that persons selfies? If you think you’ll be satisfied with them telling you that they won’t do it again, you’re probably wrong. You are more likely to continue the spying to make sure they’re not lying.

Your dishonesty in your efforts to prove that your partner isn’t betraying you is an actual betrayal of your partner. 41% of women who admitted spying on their partner said that they probably wouldn’t end the relationship if they discovered infidelity. In cases like this, spying is simply a way to get the upper hand in the relationship. It’s a way of saying, “You can’t get one over on me,” and relationships are supposed to be partnerships where both partners are equal. If you feel you need the validation that comes from having the upper hand, you’re not in a healthy relationship.

Simply put, spying is unhealthy for you, your partner and your relationship. If you feel the need to spy, you should seek to address the underlying reason for the behavior and work to resolve the problem or address the personal insecurity.

This article originally published at https://medium.com/@tomilynchromance/why-spying-on-your-partner-is-a-bad-idea-c176039315ec

A controversial take on older women and younger men

I recently saw a video on Tiktok where the male creator gave his opinion, (stated as fact, of course) on younger men dating older women. His video was an obvious attempt to shun women who date younger as he stated that he knew the “Karen’s” were going to flood his comments and that he was excited by the idea of shutting them down.

While this guy seems to be a jerk of epic proportion, I have to say that there is some truth to his opinion. Even a broken man can be right every now and then.

The basics

  • Younger men will gravitate to older women because there is no fear of commitment
  • Older women will never have a fulfilling relationship with a younger man
  • These relationships will never end in marriage
  • An older woman will always be nothing more than a teacher who trains a younger man to be a better partner to his forever woman
  • Younger men who date older are rarely high-value men. They are toxic, insecure, and financially unstable
  • High-value men date women their age or younger
  • Younger men who date older are looking for better sex, emotional support, and  financial support
  • Older women are being  used by younger men and will always end up hurt and alone

As I said, there is some truth to his statements, but a recent study confirmed that sixty percent of younger men of any age will be attracted to older, more mature women and more than one in ten marriages in America is comprised of an older woman and younger man so looking at the larger picture his logic falls short.

Yes, there are young men who will prey on an unsuspecting older woman but there are also men who will prey on younger women. Toxic is toxic regardless of the age gap.

What this Tiktocker fails to realize is that many older women date younger men because they aren’t interested in marriage or traditional relationship roles. Many of these women have been married and raised families and are post-divorce. They have come into a new phase of life in which they are independent, self-sufficient, confident, and secure. They want a partner for intimacy and companionship. They want someone with energy and enthusiasm to help them find themselves again.

These women don’t want someone to move in and make a home with. They don’t want to have to compromise on paint colors or the firmness of the mattress. They’ve done that already. They don’t want to share financial decisions and pool their money because they value their independence.

Whether these relationships turn out to be the love of a lifetime or a fond memory is no less dependent on the desires of the individuals than in any other type of relationship and, hopefully, each will be honest about their intentions.

As we shift into a world where non-traditional relationships are on the rise, it may be best not to judge the entirety of a dating preference on the negative outcomes of a few.

How to handle a hot/cold man

Tomi Dean Lynch

I searched Google for the term “hot and cold man” and received 1,470,000,000 results (0.57 seconds). If you’re currently dating a man who swoons over you one minute and seems to forget that you exist the next, you are most assuredly not alone!

What does it mean to run hot and cold?

The term is used to describe a love interest who is inconsistent in their words and behavior as it relates to their feelings and the relationship in general but the issues can manifest in several different ways.

It may be that when you’re together, he is passionate, caring, and fully engaged but when you’re apart, he’s too busy to text or call or simply keeps the conversation on a friendly level.

He may spend days, weeks, or months calling every day and seeing you every chance he gets, then, without warning, the contact stops completely for a period and then picks up like nothing ever happened.

He may simply behave like he’s committed but introduces you to his inner circle as his “friend”.

These behaviors leave you confused and concerned that he may be playing you.

Why do men go hot and cold?

He may not be certain about the relationship

He enjoys your company and isn’t ready to lose you, but he isn’t ready to commit yet, either. He’s waiting for some particular thing to convince him that you’re the one.

He’s insecure

He’s simply afraid that is he invests too much or too quickly, the relationship will fall apart.

He doesn’t feel worthy or capable of giving you what you need.

He’s playing you and possibly others

The internet opened up a world of options in the dating world and many men and women take full advantage of shopping around. It may be that when your man goes cold on you, he’s going hot on someone else.

He likes the game

When he goes cold, your instinct may be to go hot and he thrives on the attention. He wants to feel wanted and pursued.

He gets off on the initial stages of a relationship and gets bored when the thrill of the chase is gone so he backs off when things get serious so he can start pursuing you all over again.

How to respond to a hot and cold man

Your response is dependent on a few factors including what you want from the relationship and why he behaves the way he does.

First, make sure you’re not overreacting. You need to understand your partner’s love language and patterns. He may be fully committed to you but he’s more independent and needs less contact in a relationship than you’re used to. It’s important to be open and honest about your feelings and expectations.

Resist the urge to go hot when he goes cold

If he goes cold, give him space to miss you. He may feel that you’re too clingy or insecure. Show him that you are perfectly capable of spending time on your own and actually do it. Invest that time in the things that you enjoy. Healthy relationships are not codependent.

Don’t try to teach him a lesson

Some women respond to hot/cold behavior by taking to social media to post about it. Some reach out to other men to prove to their partner that they’re desirable and worthy of attention. Doing these things simply tells your partner that you can’t be trusted to be respectful and faithful.

Don’t take it personally

Men can run hot and cold on even the most perfect partner. It’s rarely about you. It’s all about their feelings, behavior, and attitude.

Confront, Set Expectations, and, if necessary, Leave

Honesty really is the best policy. If your partner’s behavior is causing you grief, you need to confront the situation. Explain your concerns, tell them what you expect from them and set healthy boundaries. If they won’t commit to meeting those expectations, believe them and move on.

Pizza Boys and Jersey Girls

I published this story in 2019 and it is truly one that is close to my heart. I grew up in New Jersey and spent most of my free time in a local pizzeria. My friends and I developed a strong bond with the men who worked there. There were always rumors that the men of the pizza places had mob connections and we used to joke about it all the time but what if it had been true?

While not a true story, Pizza Boys and Jersey Girls does bring back memories for me. 

It was a wet and rainy spring night when Bonny first saw the man of her dreams. She was just a kid and he was old enough to be her father but when he touched her hand, the pulse of electricity that ran through her was like nothing she could have ever imagined.

Danny was the manager of Pizza Mia, a local hangout for the kids of this North Jersey town. It was the mid-1980’s and the attached video arcade and one-dollar slices only added to the allure for most, but Bonny only needed one thing to keep her coming back. A smile or a wink from the dreamy-eyed man behind the counter.

Years would pass before the two would actually meet outside the walls of Pizza Mia. She was, after all, too young to touch when they met but Danny had wanted nothing more than to unleash the untapped passion in this girl who worshiped him.

Some dreams don’t always work out as planned and the two are separated soon after their first night together. Legal issues cause Danny to flee for the safer shores or Florence and Bonny goes on to find love with Carlo, who is more her age. Still, the journey isn’t over for these star-crossed lovers whose paths will reconnect in a tangled tale of jealousy, longing, intrigue, and possibly… murder.

Why is he so quick to anger?

If you’ve ever dealt with a man with anger issues you’ve probably wondered why he can be set off so easily?  When even life’s minor inconveniences send him into a rage frenzy you might find it childish and if you do, you’re not entirely wrong. According to psychologists anger is a secondary emotion meaning that there is another emotion lying under the surface and the most common underlying emotion for men with anger issues is fear. As children we lash out in angry tantrums when we are feeling insecure, sad, or unhappy.  Most of us learn to recognize these underlying emotions for what they are and focus on fixing the issue. Men with anger issues haven’t mastered that process and mask their true feelings behind a wall of anger.

Why do men resort to anger

For many generations, anger was the only acceptable form of expression for men. They were called weak or unmanly if they showed sadness or fear. Women were considered the more emotional sex because anger wasn’t considered an emotion.

Anger is so all encompassing it can be impossible to determine what it’s fueled by and most men with anger issues never try. They call themselves “hot tempered” and when the anger subsides continue about their lives until the next inconvenience causes them to lash out again. Their emotional issues never get addressed and they live their entire lives under the rage cycle which damages their relationships, careers, and overall health.

Why does this happen

Psychologist Avrum Weiss said that anger is often the result of an underlying fear in men. He gave the example of a man getting angry when his partner texts her friends late at night. This anger may be fueled by the fear that his partner doesn’t enjoy his company and that his relationship may be in trouble. Rather than communicating his fears and seeking reassurance, he lashes out in anger and demands that his partner change their behavior.

Clinical Psychologist Thomas J Harbin speculates that most male anger comes from a feeling of inferiority.  Masculinity was once defined as the ability to earn an income, to work hard and support a family. Today, women can do virtually every job that men can do and don’t need to depend entirely on a man for support. So, where does a man gain his identity? What makes him feel worthy?

Physical abuse in childhood also causes feelings of inferiority in men. Emotional and physical abuse lead to feelings of unworthiness that can last a lifetime.  For some, beating their chests and screaming is the only way they feel powerful and though rational people see this as emotional immaturity. They make themselves believe that their behavior brings them respect.

Many men with anger issues are truly remorseful for their behavior and wish that they had other outlets for their feelings. If you’re dealing with a man who never sees his anger as a problem, this is cause for concern.

How to deal with men with anger issues

Listen and try to demonstrate an understanding. Often validating one’s feelings is the best way to diffuse an emotionally charged situation. This doesn’t mean that you should allow your male partner or family member to abuse you. It just means understanding that someone who is consumed by rage is incapable of  thinking rationally or responding  to logic until after their feelings subside and putting forth an argument may serve to escalate the situation.

When the anger has subsided, calmly express how their outbursts effect you and ask them to reflect upon the reasons that they were so angry then, direct their focus to solving the problem.

Never allow yourself to become the victim of abuse. If their anger becomes physical protect yourself by removing access to you from the abuser.

Anger becomes a habit for some men and old habits are hard to break. If they are incapable of redirecting their emotions, they may need to seek professional help. If they are unwilling to see their anger as a problem, you may need to distance yourself from them.

7 signs of emotional healing

When we are healing from emotional trauma our behaviors begin to change. As we place a higher priority on our emotional health, we change the way we respond to the world around us.

You no longer argue

There may have been a time when having others acknowledge that we were right would have us arguing our point until we were ready to pull our hair out. We needed this validation to prove to us, more than anyone else, that our memories and knowledge of things weren’t skewed and that, frankly, we weren’t crazy.

As we heal from trauma we need less of this validation and realize that arguing is exhausting, time-consuming, and often unsatisfying. When this happens, we simply allow others to be wrong because we know that we’re right and that’s all that matters.

You no longer react to inconsequential things

Where once we thought that every little thing that wrong in our lives was somehow connected to everything else that has gone wrong in our lives, we grow to understand that sometimes stuff just happens. The Universe isn’t out to get us. We aren’t unlucky. We are human and little annoyances are a part of life.

We may have also had a tendency to react with anger or sadness to things that we read or saw on the internet. Perhaps we made comments and picked fights with people we didn’t even know. As we heal, we realize that nothing good comes from these interactions and simply scroll by the things that used to upset us.

You no longer seek outward validation

We no longer need compliments and praise to fuel our confidence. We may stop posting so many selfies online. We are learning our value and are no longer dependent on the acceptance of others to make us feel worthy.

You don’t wake up to worry

Remember those mornings when you opened your eyes and the first thought that crossed your mind was how everything could go wrong? We worried about everything and started our days rife with negativity. We even invented scenarios to worry about.

As we heal, we see things from a more positive perspective and sleep and wake with a calmer mind.

You care more about your health than your looks

Diet and exercise become lifestyle choices that we make for our health and longevity. Before we healed we may have hopped on fad diets or starved ourselves to look better. Now, we follow regiments that make us stronger and healthier.

You can recognize emotional triggers

When something doesn’t feel right, we can now get ahead of it and prevent panic and emotional outbursts. We know what sets us off and how to cope with or even prevent the situation from occurring.

We have learned to avoid the people and situations that make us feel bad and when we can’t avoid them, we know how to protect ourselves from them.

You trust the process more than the person

Our relationships improve because we have learned that we can’t make someone love us. We no longer spy on or give our partners the third degree. We did those things because we wanted to be sure that the person we wanted wasn’t going to hurt us. We have now realized that we are capable of choosing worthy partners and trust that we will be together only if we are compatible and capable of loving ourselves and each other. We trust the process of falling in love and having a relationship and if we fail, we know it wasn’t meant to be and move on.  

Remember that healing doesn’t mean an end to trauma. The circumstances that left us scarred happened and are part of our reality. Healing simply means that the trauma no longer controls our thinking and emotional well-being.

This article originally published at https://tomilynchromance.medium.com/7-signs-of-emotional-healing-3cfed2088bc3